From: Callen Russ
Sent: Thursday, October 08, 1998 3:56 PM
To: Dodge Havens
Subject: weakness will not be tolerated
Dodge-this is sent as spam to rebuke you for your absence this year. Kirk thrashed me in the swim in your place, however. If you were critically ill, that is perhaps a partial excuse, but work, I am afraid does not count.
I have been pretty busy this year also, and felt the lack of training. If I am ever to beat Ed again, it will cost me a huge amount, because I will have to retire (and then it isn’t clear I could equal him).
You’d better show next year or we’re going to hack into all of your systems and you’ll never dig out……………………….RC
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2002
From: Russ Callen
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 2:46 PM
To: Dodge Havens, BR Carson
Subject: inadequacy
Gentlemen: Your notable absence last weekend came both to my
attention and to that of the others dutifully assembled at the
appointed time and place. Although our man Ed had a semi-legitimate excuse, as did our woman Karla, for less than complete participation, both of these honorable citizens did sally forth. Such wimp-like behavior on your part is totally unacceptable and will have to be rectified in the future. RC
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From: Dodge Havens
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 3:10 PM
To: Russ Callen
Subject: Inadequacy
Hi Russ,
I know “weakness will not be tolerated” , and am dutifully chastised. My pathetic excuse for a person will now probably be too humiliated to even consider trying to participate in the future with those exalted ones who overcome all obstacles to appear at the appointed time. I am not worthy. Plus it gives me a great excuse to keep from being the next uncle my nephew Zack defeats in his march to victory.
Sorry to have missed you and the rest of the folks. Glad to hear you are still doing well and have kept that string of never missing a Nanty unbroken.
Take care – Dodge
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From: Russ Callen
Sent: Tuesday, October 01, 2002 3:44 PM
To: Havens, Dodge
Subject: RE: inadequacy
You had better start worrying about Zane. RC
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2005
From: Russ Callen
Sent: Thursday, September 01, 2005 1:13 PM
To: Havens, Dodge; Carson, B R
Subject: triathlon weakness
Gentleman: it has come to my attention that some psychological wavering of commitment on your part has emerged. This is completely unacceptable and sets a weak standard for the next generation. Our friend and Brother Kirk is performing a huge organizational effort, as well as competing, and our friend and Brother Keith not only competes, but also transports a swimming team. Your wavering is symbolic of our nation’s softness and unwillingness to set unpleasant national priorities, which is proved by the recent drowning of New Orleans, the result of refusal to reinforce the levees.
When you are on your death bed, what are you going to remember, that the report was on time, or that you participated in an unusual event with great friends? Nobody near death wishes they had spent more time at the office. It’s always later than we think.
Although my own performance this year will be pitiful, I will be there at the Crossing, and expect to have my colleagues present. RC
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From: Dodge Havens
To: Russ Callen
Sent: Friday, September 02, 2005 12:00 PM
Subject: Triathlon weakness
Hi Russ, I KNEW I was going to hear from you about this (“weakness will not be tolerated” and all), and am truly sorry to miss it, but at least it is not because of work. There are a number of reasons (I know, excuses) which conspired to move me to this reluctant decision. My son’s birthday is that weekend, and I haven’t been around for it for many years due to the Triathlon. Also, he is running cross country in high school this year and has a competition that weekend. My daughter is a year around swimmer and also has a competition that weekend in a different place. So it is for family reasons I’m not coming this year, but I will expect to be there next year. I will certainly miss you all, and wish you the best of luck. Unfortunately, we can’t all be Russ Callens with an unbroken attendance streak which will certainly go down in the history books.
I look forward to hearing the details of your “pitiful” performance, and those of the rest of the hearty, indefatigable group. I’m sure your performance would have outshone my own – I am unable to swim these days due to conflicts with getting kids to school, cross country practice and swim team practice, and that was the only thing I was any good at any way. Until next year….
Best wishes – Dodge
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From: Russ Callen
Sent: Saturday, September 03, 2005 11:26 AM
To: Havens, Dodge
Subject: RE: triathlon weakness
OK, Dodge, I guess I will let it pass, since the excuse relates to your offspring. If it were due to your own situation, it would certainly not be tolerated. There will, however, be an asterisk entered into the log book, indicating absence without life-threatening circumstance.
I have swum a little more the last few months than last year, but cannot see much effect. I just returned from body surf, where I made the semifinals for the first time, but then completely faded due to illness, and am still recovering. I did the triathlon last year with a slight cartilage tear and a heart murmur. I have done no running since I was icing for 9 straight months, and have done little paddling. I did take two commercial raft trips in California in early summer down the Merced and the South Fork of the American. The Merced was a real thriller since there was about a 10-year record snow pack.
I recently retired and am a double-dipper, but can feel no effect, since have almost the same GT duties, but 23% pay raise for 50% reduction in official teaching load is not too bad (doesn’t work out like that in practice).
We will keep in touch-may have time soon for a little more paddling…Best, RC
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2007
From: Russ Callen
Sent: Monday, October 08, 2007 10:55 AM
To: Havens, Dodge
Subject: triathlon weakness
Dear Dodge:
It appears that I must undertake the unpleasant task of reminding you, once again, of your absence from our annual event, which is still flourishing, even in the face of your repeated absences, which are beginning to outnumber your past presences.
It has been suggested that should such transgressions continue, then you may be requested to walk “The Long Grey Line”, and be subjected to a formal sanction, which could involve such a severe penalty as a formal “Drumming Out of the Corps,” but all of us hope that the situation will not deteriorate to that point. Of course, we hope that your no-show was not caused by a life-threatening illness of you or yours (but from recent history that is not usually the case).
“Oh, beat the drums slowly,
And play the fife lowly”
RC
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From: Havens, Dodge
To: Russ Callen
Subject: RE: triathlon weakness
Dear Russ,
Apparently my attempt to “buy” myself out (via an annual donation to the Charitable Trust) of the initiation of such formal sanction has been regarded as inadequate by you and others of the sanctioning board.
I plan to immediately discuss this issue with my financial advisor/lobbyist (wife), and determine if I am indeed unable to attend again next year, what contribution level would be necessary and supportable to mitigate my absence? Certainly, you as a Founding Triathlon Father and authority could provide valuable input into this conversation, which would be welcome. Or perhaps this fiduciary conversation should be entirely with you, and the contribution be directed in another manner entirely? I can work with that, if you believe it advisable. Just provide your Swiss bank account deposit number.
In actuality, I am in hopes of attending next year. After a 3 year layoff, I have restarted my swimming training as of two weeks ago, which is still pretty pitiful. My running, alas, may never again appear to the casual observer to be more than a slow, painful, “old man” shuffling limp, and my canoeing efforts have been recently called “lilly-dipping” by those in the know. Still, I am capable of deceiving myself to the point where I may think I can participate again.
So, I congratulate you again on your superb efforts this year, and hope to ameliorate the offense of my absences by either my physical or financial presence next year.
Please advise.
Dodge
______________________________________________________________
2008
From: Russ Callen
Sent: Mon 9/15/2008 1:01 PM
To: Havens, Dodge
Subject: triathlon weakness
I have obtained sibling information that, once again, your absence, as opposed to your presence, is to be expected. This deplorable condition has, according to sibling information, been slightly ameliorated by an increased financial contribution. This is to be greatly praised, although your presence would serve as a better role model for the younger generation.
My own miserable physical condition will hardly serve as a model for anyone, but at the appointed time and place, barring unforeseen circumstance, I will line up once again for my 33rd.
At this point we will continue to acknowledge your existence, although you are moving up to endangered status.
I have highlighted a relevant passage below.
RC
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Date: Mon, 15 Sep 2008 15:32:28 -0400
From: Havens, Dodge
To: Russ Callen
Subject: RE: triathlon weakness
Hi Russ,
You DO send the most entertaining admonishments, which I know are justly deserved.
As you’ve noted, although my physical presence will be absent, my spirit and more importantly – my money – (such as it is) will be in attendance. My spirit is strong, my flesh is weak, and unfortunately, my financial position is even weaker, yet it continues to plod onward. I don’t really care about my flesh, but I wish my spirit and my financial position could swap places.
I did increase my contribution this year (don’t tell my wife), and rationalized it with the thought that I was sending the additional money I would have spent on gas if I had actually attended. If you figure out the logic of that, please enlighten me because I don’t really understand it myself. Yet it seemed a good idea at the time.
I did start swimming again last year, and was starting to get into shape approximating that of Jared the Subway guy (unfortunately pre-weight loss, not post), but have backslidden so many times that I have cuts and scrapes on the part of my anatomy that gets backslided upon.
BR and I hope to get our acts together someday in the future and even if our enfeebled conditions prevent us from participating as competitors, show up to eat the free post race munchies and oogle the females competitors (again, please don’t tell our wives). Also, it would be nice to see all you stalwart (and just plain “warty”) guys again.
We will wait with “baited breath” (no, not bated breath, actually breath that smells like bait … must have something to do with dentures), to hear the results and most earnestly wish you a safe and successful completion of your 33rd. Don’t let Karla kick your butt too badly. I’m kind of expecting to see Kade as the first under eight year old competitor in the not-too-distant future.
Best regards, and thanks again for your concern and abuse.
“A man has got to know his limitations” – Clint Eastwood.
Dodge
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2010
To: Russ Callen
From: Dodge Havens
Sent: Fri 9/17/2010
Russ,
I have become accustomed to being annually taken to task by you regarding attendance and participation at the Outdoorsman Triathlon, and am therefore feeling somewhat dejected, rejected and depressed for not yet having received your admonitions and chastisements.
I hope you are in fact well and fit, and will toe the long, muddy line at the finger lake on the last Saturday morn in September, along with those other valiant and heroic men, women and youth who travel to meet at the apex of outdoorsman fitness.
BR and I will be attending this year, and BR, hale and hearty, will definitely be taking part in the masochism. For my part, I am actually contemplating participation myself this year as a sort of tribute to my 91 year old father, who I believe, did his first Outdoorsman at the age I am presently. If I find myself unable to compete due to injury, illness, malaise, or extreme wimpiness, I will still enjoy the company of the noble folks of the triathlon, participants and supporters.
Best regards, and please forward your abuse as soon as possible.
Dodge
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From: Russ Callen
Sent: Sunday, September 19, 2010 9:51 AM
To: Havens, Dodge
Subject: Re: Where is my annual abusive triathlon email?
Dear Dodge:
Please excuse my extreme lapse in not conveying my usual stream of invective and vitriol. The reasons are multi-factorial.
Normally my castigation occurs after an egregious no-show on your part, although I will admit that you have exhibited some modicum of atonement through financial and moral support and have even brought your progeny to the event.
This year there are two primary reasons for my failure:
(1) I still held faint hope that you would appear magically at the long muddy line in commemoration of your father’s Homeric feats. His performances are coruscating compared to our own effete efforts. He is the apotheosis of athleticism and honor to which we should aspire, even as an epigone.
(2) I have been totally devoted lately to the mundane chores of gainful (minimally) employment at Georgia Tech. This has diverted my attention from important matters, resulting in accelerating physical decline and obesity. In my weakened psychological and physical state, my comments would probably have been rather jejune, and any attempt at correspondence would appear to you as mere badinage and flaccid persiflage.
I did enter the bodysurfing contest at Oceanside this year, with the express purpose of knocking off two of the Old Bulls. I managed to do that, but my victory was a Pyrrhic one, since both Bulls were in a severely compromised condition due to years of debauchery and injury. Despite my victory over them, I was completely trashed by a 72 year old, the height of ignominy. This resulted in such severe depression that I felt unable to devote sufficient energy to our ebullient correspondence.
I look forward to seeing you and BR at the long muddy line at the Crossing. it’s gonna be a low river unless some hurricane-effect weather occurs (current 261 cfs).
Best,
RC
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To: Russ Callen
From: Dodge Havens
Sent: Fri 9/19/2010
Russ,
Thanks for your reply – – – I only wish it had been in English, rather than Greek, Latin, Vulcan or whatever language you responded in. I actually understood only two words: “Bull” and “Old”, both of which I understand only too well.
However, after spending the last several hours trying to parse it, I believe I understand the gist of your message: You are in great shape, perhaps the best of your life, and are issuing an “in your face” challenge to all others in your age group, and anyone named “Havens”, including the youngest generation. Do I have that right? I’m glad to hear you are back in prime shape, and feel it my familial responsibility to pass on your trash talking challenge to the rest of my clan. I myself am now leaning strongly toward the “spectator” category so as not to humiliate myself again.
It was great to hear from you, and if I have garbled your message in my translation in any way, please don’t worry about correcting me. I like my version. 🙂
I know BR’s greatest fear is not low river levels, but high debris field concentrations. Perhaps we’ll have the worst of both worlds – low river water and high debris field. And why not throw in low lake levels to create an unusually difficult Narrows Rapid? That would add new significance to completing the event!
Looking forward to seeing you soon –
Best regards, Dodge
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To: Dodge Havens
From: Russ Callen
Date: 08/15/2011
Dodge:
I would hope that you would show your usual compassion regarding my extreme physical limitations and be at the ready with refreshments and young women to provide immediate back relief. It will be great to see you as always, but in order to avoid my having to compose a detailed list why your apocryphal reasons for a no-show at the appointed spot are inadequate, it would be an immense help for you to go ahead and sign up. That would certainly be of benefit, since I would otherwise have to start the lengthy process of revealing your atavistic no-show approach, in spite of your coruscating performance of last year – BR and I were reduced to mere effete epigones compared to you. It would be an egregious shame to have the apotheosis of triathlon performance be reduced to that of a nugatory observer. Were you to sign up, you would be the avatar of aging perseverence, and I would endeavor to compose a panegyric in your honor, as opposed to your reaping severe opprobrium. I will be awaiting your name to be called with an assigned number. RC
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To: Russ Callen
From: Dodge Havens
Date: 08/15/2011
Amazing! – “Apocryphal” was my Merriam-Webster word of the day today (hey…. Maybe it was your’s too, which is why it was used?). It is therefore about the only word I understood in your email.
I promise a reply once I’ve had time to parse and decipher the rest of the content.
Here’s what MW had to say about apocryphal: (for those of you (I hope I wasn’t the only one?) who like me had to look it up.
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To: Russ Callen
From: Dodge Havens
Date: 08/22/2011
Dear Russ:
I have now had sufficient time (along with my Funk & Wagnalls) to decipher your recent diatribe. Although slightly difficult to assay, I do not think it would be festinate for me to say it appears to be in the nature of blabblative objurgation, despite my revenant appearance last year! However, I must say the many hours I recently spent with my dictionary decoding your missive has had the unfortunate side effect of degrading my personal writing ability, as is no doubt evident in the epistle that follows.
The tone of your email seemed to be employing classic passive-aggressive psycho-social techniques in an effort to gain my acquiescence: on the one hand lauding my last year’s efforts in the manner of a callithump, while threatening dire maledictory exposition, including fusty roorbacks (which by the way would be an EXCELLENT name for a rock band — as in “Dave Barry and the Fusty Roorbacks”), on the other – although it may be a catachresis for me to so state.
However, it was your use of the word “nugatory” in reference to a no-show by me which has garnered my attention and given me a reason to not burke this year’s event. Many epithets have been hurled at me during my recent years of degringolade, but “nugatory” is a bridge too far, my friend, and I thought it infra dig for you to thus hurl it. However, I feel it only fair to warn you it will only serve to further inspissate my epidermis to your future fanfaronades.
So, I AM a Havens, and I am not too orgulous to rouse from my current hypnagogic omphaluskepsis and planned balneological use of Lake Fontana, to follow in the honored and hallowed tradition of my forebears and kinsmen and “void my bowels” and accept the Call. Or is that “gird my loins” and accept The Call? I always get confused about which is actually our tradition. “Girding one’s loins” smacks too much of, ah, exhibitionism, although I have been told of a second cousin, once removed, who WAS once removed for public loin girding. But, I digress.
Where was I?… Oh yes, voiding the bowels….. Now that I think about it, I think it was the McHavens clan, who lived one Loch over from the Havens clan, who was known for that tradition. I remember hearing you had to be very careful where you stepped when visiting the McHavens because of that tradition. So yes, it is the Havens who do the loin girding, and the McHavens who do the bowel voiding. But still, I further digress.
Thus, I WILL stand shoulder to shoulder with you for the start of the Crossing in the long muddy line at the finger lake, staring into the diaphanous miasma, quietly whimpering in grim anticipation of the masochism to which we are about to voluntarily subject ourselves. It is apodictic that this will occur unless I am prevented in participating due to accident, injury, weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs, bat mitzvahs, high gasoline prices, stock market declines, lake water temperature below 78 degrees or above 85 degrees, ambient air temperature below 70 degrees or above 88 degrees, excessive humidity, high UV solar reading, pollen count above seasonal averages, and a few others reasons unnecessary to list here.
I also commend you for, and will join you in, your excellent eleemosynary example in support of The Crossing.
In closing, it has been an honor to have once again been harangued by you. After all, your picture is in the dictionary next to the word “Callenesque” (synonym “tatterdemalion”). And, I am looking forward to your composing my panegyric –- for the record, I prefer it on whole wheat, lightly toasted, with a little mayo.
I hope I have made my position perfectly clear. Recall my well known competition motto: “Nunquam semper.” (“Never again.”)
Yours in borborygmus,
Dodge